Joke... for my pet loving friends... fair warning, you may need a kleenex and a trip to the bathroom

Pilling the Cat

1. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse in from the garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.
Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail.
Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.
Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for local SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill...
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.

And, yes, I finally a got a new puppy. I've missed my Echo so much it was too hard to get a new one, but a friend came last week and said her neighbor had one little puppy that no one wanted..the little runt, she was too small they all thought.. so here she is.. Miss Honey

She's a red nose pit, weighs just about 3 lbs and has the prettiest green eyes you've ever seen.  Cat the cat is jealous as can be but the curiosity is finally starting to get the better of both of them and they are following each other around...although not too closely, lol.

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Comment by Karen Lightman on May 7, 2013 at 8:11am

Cute joke...I needed that :)

Comment by viki hagan on May 6, 2013 at 11:55pm

I'm sure there is pit fighting here as well, the dogs are everywhere..luckily so far there are no city regs against them. I've always maintained there are no bad dogs, just bad owners..that includes those that are just plain neglectfull. I do think that some of our local shelters do not take pits and other bully breeds but luckily there are several rescues devoted to them here.

Comment by rogue quilter Queen of the WIVSP on May 6, 2013 at 11:08pm
hilarious! esp the mailman thing. i think the so-called bullybreeds are getting the bad rap that should be applied to thier owners instead. i've commented on here often about the animals we get dumped out here. last fall, two weeks before we were to leave for california for a week for tgiving, someone dumped a blue nose pit puppy. we had a heck of a fime. pits are used for & crossbred for - pit fighting here. not legal, but that doesn't stop tje activity. so, pits are not accepted by any rescues or shelters here in lower valley region. this puppy was only about 3months old. we found a great young couple for him thru chainmails via hubbeys job site internet. the hubs & i were both a little teary eyed when we handed him over. for the pup and the husband of the young couple, it was love at first sight/intro... was amazing to see the instantaneous bond. such a beautiful little pup...i was soooo happy. we had been told we needed to just put him down.
Comment by viki hagan on May 6, 2013 at 10:26pm

thank you sue, she is a little lover

rogue, that's exactly how i've felt, that i just couldn't fall in love again just yet...but it looks like I'm a goner, as the boyfriend says...I'm a huge softie when it comes to animals and I've always been a big fan of the bully breeds so I'm more than happy to have rescued this little one from a trip to the shelter just being tiny  and you are right, she smart as a whip, potty training is going very well and she's already got 'sit' down pat and stand is almost as reliable a command.

she already thinks she's the guard dog too, she barks her little head off at anyone at the door..this morning she was quick to inform me that the mailman was coming up the walk..and then she rolled over and let him rub her tummy, lol

Comment by rogue quilter Queen of the WIVSP on May 6, 2013 at 9:52pm

congratulations! Honey is lovely. i am so happy for you. i was sure i could never love again...or at least not for a long long time...and a black fuzzy puppy showed up on the deck one day last summer. then i had a dream. then i got the puppy back from the rescue people that were not having any luck socializing him enough to list him on their adoption web site. and then i brought Beauregard back home where he belongs.

and you have a member of one of the smartest dog breeds i have encountered. pit bulls are such an amazing breed of dog.

...oh yeah...happy for Cat too. i bet these two will be best friends for years to come.

Comment by sue brigle on May 6, 2013 at 9:07pm

Miss Honey is going to give you so much love.   She is a darling little lady.

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